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RevSpork
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"RevSpork
04 July 2009
All hail your Emperor, Citizens of Phoenix!
As you read this, I, the Reverend H.L. Spork, have dispatched my
well-trained army of lesser Reverends to take over city hall here in
Phoenix. I decided upon this course with extreme reluctance, as I
believe in freedom, democracy, and all that bullshit. However, in the
week that I've resided in this city, I've come to believe that only
with a temporary interruption of democratic government can Phoenix save
itself from itself. My mother has lived in Phoenix for a quarter
of a century now, and I've dropped by now and again since 1985. Arizona
is a very, very strange state, ravaged by flash floods and wildfires
(sometimes in the same month), where parts of the state can hit 100
degrees in March while other parts are hit by several feet of snow.
Politics here are simply insane, a patchwork of crazy libertarians,
even crazier right-wingers, Mexicans, and heat-blasted hippies, all of
whom loathe the government. Arizona is a state where authority of any
kind is held in contempt, even on occasions when it decides upon a
course of common sense. If the state passed a law banning jumping off
cliffs, Arizonians by the thousands would immediately form pro-cliff
jumping rights groups, lobby the state legislature to repeal the law,
and litter the bottoms of cliffs with their corpses, all giving the
middle-finger salute. This year is no different: Arizona, like
most states, is facing a huge financial crisis. The state government is
struggling to stay afloat. One of the biggest bills getting through the
state legislature? A bill that would allow gun owners to take their
firearms into bars. Phoenix, as the state capital, largest
city, and financial center of the state, is the epicenter of this
loonyness, and in order to save the state from itself, I have taken
over the city. As you know, I am a ben"
....
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