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Banterist - Why Our SWAT Team Needs A Monkey
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From New York, a weblog of original humor by Brian Sack.
Subject to all the flexible quality standards of internet self-publishing.
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Banterist: Home > June 2005 > June 8, 2005
Why Our SWAT Team Needs A Monkey
Dear Captain:
I know we have spoken about this before, but I continue to maintain that the Mesa SWAT team needs a monkey. I have chosen to outline my arguments for you so you can fully understand the importance of adding a capuchin to the payroll:
Monkeys are disarming. Criminals are often armed. Therefore, monkeys can disarm criminals.
If a monkey is killed in the line of duty, it is sad, but it does not reflect on our mortality statistics. That's because monkeys are not human, even though we once were monkeys. Unless you're from Kentucky.
Personally, I do not think people could kill a monkey because if you look at one you can kind of see your grandpa's face.
Monkeys can throw feces quicker than any guys we currently have. When you throw feces at a perpetrator, you buy valuable tactical seconds.
Monkeys are fast, like Yoda. Criminals are often overweight and carrying bags of money - very cumbersome. This means the monkey can often disorient and incapacitate the criminal (imagine Yoda fighting T-Rex).
In a hostage situation, people are very tense and upset. If a monkey suddenly arrives on the scene, the perpetrators might say something like "Look! A monkey!" and laugh. They wouldn't know it was a SWAT Monkey because it wouldn't be in uniform.
Monkeys live for 40 years when out of the wild - double the expectancy if they live in the jungle. For this, the monkey will more than likely be grateful and happy to help us fight crime.
In a bomb threat situation a monkey is not going to freak out about the green wire or blue wire and which wire should be cut. The monkey will just pull all the wires out and if it blows up we'll get another monkey.
During the down time w"
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